WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS

We were up later than we should have been, just happy to be around each other. I slept better that night than I had in a long time, but was still up by 5 am, not being able to wait to go outside to explore our surroundings. My Dad was up around the same time, so we went on an early morning walk together, then had coffee before anyone else was awake. I said before that I can't explain the way I feel when I am in that country. My mind races between immediate family having been there from as far back as anyone can remember, to the  times of the Ottoman Empire , during which the Turks had been there for over four hundred years, with generations passing thinking the occupation would never end, and indeed for them, it did not. The Christian households would have to give up one male child to be raised as Janissaries , with many never knowing who their parents were, and where they actually came from. My imagination would often be in overdrive, but what can you expect?
   Our early morning walks became a daily event, with the kids frequently joining us, and sometimes in the evening also. My routine became one of going to sleep before ten, and getting up at around five. Holy crap, how unlike what I do here!

WHO IS IT ?

As I said in the last post, by the time we got to my Dad's house, it was 9:30 pm ,and like any rural area, totally dark. We go up to the door and knock . My mind is going in many different directions. "What if he's not home?  Is everything okay? We'll have to go to Mostar to find a room for the night". We all go up the stairs to his front door. Just outside the front door, we find large pieces of broken glass. "What is this?" I ask myself. I knock. No answer. I knock again. Then a light goes on. "Who is it?" my Dad asks in Croatian. "It's us" I answer in English. He opens the door, and is clearly excited to see us, especially the kids. He says, " I thought you were coming tomorrow night", and I reply, "So did I !"....

OVERWHELMING

The feelings I get when landing in Croatia are almost overwhelming. They are a mixture of joy, comfort, and disbelief, and more intense once we cross the border into Herzegovina. It's certainly a strange mix, but I settle in quickly. I am elated to have been able to bring the whole family, and they are excited as well. My language skills are put to the test, and although far from perfect,  we get by for the entire trip. ( Just a side note: Our luggage didn't get there on time, but to give the airport authorities credit, they sent them to Capljina the very next day).
   The drive down the Adriatic coast is incredible. We are all exhausted, but can't take our eyes off of the scenery. I stop a couple of times to see if we're actually going in the right direction, ( and to eat ) , and it turns out we are on the right track the entire time. By the time we get to the border crossing at Metkovic, it is dark.


This wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that I fucked up our arrival time, and told my Dad we would be there on Friday the 3rd,  but instead we got there on Thursday night.
  I had actually tried calling before we left to tell him about my screw up, but couldn't get through. So the night of our arrival, we tried calling from a nearby gas station, but again could not get through. We ended up finding his village, which is close to the beautiful little town of  Stolac and knocked on his door at 9:30 pm.

WORRIES

My Dad had left for the old country in May, and we weren't getting there until July, but he was excitedly anticipating our visit for those months in between. We were too, and we have many relatives who were also eager to see us. The months passed, my Old Lady did ALL of the organizing, my daughter finished the school year, and soon it was time to go.
    I was a little worried about how the kids would be with travelling, particularly the fact that the flight is over 14 hours long. But all of my worries were unfounded, as they were amazing travellers. The one thing that was in the back of my mind was the restlessness of the boy, who is almost 5, and usually quite enthusiastic about life in general. I guess I didn't realize that these days, planes give everyone their own screen on which to watch movies or play games, which the kids did until they fell asleep. No more of the one big screen where everyone is forced to watch some incredibly shitty film together.
   We soon found ourselves landing in Split , Croatia.
   

LONELINESS

As I had mentioned in the previous post, my parents were in the habit of going to Herzegovina every year, but last summer was tragic, as Mom's health had deteriorated considerably.
   So when it was getting close to think about going this summer, my Dad asked my sisters, "What am I going to do in that house by myself?" ( They own a little two bedroom house in a small village over there) , and my sisters asked him, "What are you going to do in the condo all summer?", and talked him into going. I don't think it took too much convincing. He has a brother over there, and he loves his garden, especially since he grows figs, pomegranates, olives, and the usual stuff like tomatoes, corn, cucumbers  and peppers. He also has some great neighbours who look out for him and make sure he's okay.
   While all of this was taking place, I was thinking over the idea of taking the family to visit him while he's there. I do not have the money, but Dad's 83, and if I've learned anything over this past year, it's that life is short. So I mentioned it to him, and he just lit up. That's all it took. We booked our flight, and started planning.

REGRET

One of the most difficult things for me was watching everyone else go through their mourning, and the different things that go through your mind during those times. Up to the final day,  my thoughts were consumed with my Mom's condition. I was expecting a phone call any time, but when it did come I was still hit hard.
  Much of what was going on inside my head was the shitty things I had done ( mostly as a youth), and the regrets I felt as a result, especially since all I got from her was unconditional love, when so many parents would have written off a little asshole like me. Of course I know it's pointless living on regrets like that, even more so since she would have told me that herself. But that's the way my mind was working. I'm over that now. The love she gave, especially to my kids, was immeasurable. I will never forget that.

LOVE

As I mentioned earlier, my parents were married for over 51 years, so of course my Dad was ( and probably still is) feeling a little lost. Luckily,both of my sisters have stepped up and shown overwhelming support to him, and I have done what I can also ( between working 3 jobs and trying to be there for my kids). 
  My parents were in the habit of going to Herzegovina every year to see family and friends. They would go anywhere from 2-4 months, but as time went on and Mom got worse, this got more and more difficult. They actually did manage to go last summer, but my Dad and sisters said it was horrible. I had sort of regretted not going, just in order to be there with her for the last time, but they said it was better that I didn't. Her condition deteriorated rapidly once they got back. It was wrenching to watch, but I'm glad I was there for my Dad........

LET ME EXPLAIN

Please excuse my unexplained absence of the last month or so. I took my family to Croatia and Bosnia & Herzegovina to visit my Dad for three weeks, and was nowhere near a computer for most of July. Yes, it was awesome. I missed playing with AK-47, but it was good to be in a different environment for that long. So that being said, my first couple of entries in this here blog thing are going to be a bit more personal than they have been in the past. To begin....

LOSS

This past November I experienced the single most difficult loss I have ever gone through, with my Mom passing away after a four year fight with bone cancer. She died on what would have been her 73rd birthday. 
   I was happy to have those four years, since I thought she was going to go a lot sooner than that. Cancer is fucking merciless. I have a sister who is a nurse, and I don't know where I would have been without her. She moved in with my parents, and managed to help everyone through the devastating times, and still kept working also. Amazing. She kept Mom from having to stay at the hospital at all.
  As soul destroying as those times were for me, they were 1,000 times more so for my Dad, who was married to my Mom for over 51 years. I  can only imagine how lost you'd feel after spending over half of a century with someone. No matter how prepared you think you'd be, there will always be some denial. I understand why so many people turn to prayer when all else seems to be slipping away, especially when you already have that belief system in place.
   I will continue this.........